Reflecting on why I'm a photographer, and how my motivations have changed over time
This is an edited and expanded version of a short essay I first published in my free ebook, Autumnal Wonder (available to download here).
Setting aside the inner-circle debate over using the “shoot” nomenclature for the act of making photos, a discussion a few months ago on the Landscape Photographers Worldwide Discord server – a fantastic community, for what it’s worth – got me thinking about this topic in light of my mom's passing earlier this year.
Without simply rehashing what I wrote on LPW, I will say that I have felt… not at a crossroads, per se, but in a weird spot regarding my photography. When I first started dabbling in it back in 2012 after moving to Texas, photography was mostly tied to exploring my new home while simultaneously playing with the (for the time) fancy camera I had on the Windows Phone I was using. I did, of course, share photos on social media and with my parents back home in Missouri, but the act of photography was primarily for my own entertainment and curiosity, not others.
Even though I was technically shooting for me, I had not yet come to see photography as a therapeutic escape from the stresses of life that bubble up from time to time (and at a seemingly ever-more-frequent pace as the years pile up).
The purpose of exploring and photographing my experiences shifted over time, particularly once I began traveling overseas for work. I was still pursuing photography for my own enjoyment, but a connection to sharing those experiences with my mom began to strengthen as I went further and further down the photography rabbit hole.
Before I began traveling and subsequently bought my first DSLR in 2015, my dad had been gone for almost a year; he never got to see my personal and professional evolution after I found my love of photography. The underlying wistfulness I felt about that further drove my desire to share my images with mom, allowing her to join me on my travels in some small way.
With a shiny new camera in hand - and barely a clue as to what I was doing with it - I began to toy with the idea of being... I hate even admitting this, now... a travel photographer/influencer. I'd get paid to stay in lavish hotels in beautiful places. Come join me on Instagram!
Thankfully, that was a pretty short-lived phase.
As my journey took me beyond the simple act of shooting to document my travel and overseas experiences to a deeper appreciation for not only photography but being out in nature, as well (something I hadn’t really enjoyed since I was a kid exploring the neighborhood woods), wanting to share my experiences with mom became one of the main pillars of answering the question, Why do I shoot?
I was always excited to share phone snaps from my adventures and, of course, to show her the final edits of the photos I was making. I wanted to share with her photos of places she never got to experience.
... so, what now?
I don’t expect to lose my passion for the art of photography; I haven't so far in the five months since mom passed away. For many years now, I've recognized that it’s my mental therapy – my pathway to mindfulness – and nothing has changed there. That was in evidence when I headed back to one of my happy places in southern Utah after a small meetup event in Lone Pine, California at the beginning of March.
My head was not in the game as I was stressed out and worried about mom (she had gone into the hospital less than two weeks prior to my departure), yet once I was alone in the quiet solitude and beauty of Utah, wandering with my camera in known and unknown places, I found myself recentered and my mind largely at peace. As always, the act of making photos quieted the noise.
Mom will never see the finished work from that trip, although I was thankfully able to show her the unedited photos and videos before she passed.
I cherish the memory of that final opportunity to share my experiences with her and will never forget her joy at seeing the photos of the beautiful places I had just visited, even though I struggle with the thought of never hearing, “Oh Michael, these are wonderful!” or similar exclamations of motherly pride in my work again.
I was still excited to work on the files from that last trip before her passing, but there was also an inevitable undercurrent of sadness attached to them. I assume that will continue to be the case going forward, too, much like I’ve always wished my dad had been able to see what I’ve created and accomplished over the past 10 years since he passed.
Indeed, I've since photographed waterfalls in northern Arkansas and recently returned home from a week in the San Juan mountains in Colorado. Each trip was fantastic, and I had plenty of moments of inner peace while exploring and working behind the camera, but mom was never far from mind. Not surprisingly, some tears were shed, as well.
Now that it's been several months since saying goodbye, and I'm back into my day-to-day routine, I still feel at times as if there’s an elastic band around my core. When I think about planning a future trip or working on my latest files, there’s sometimes a bit of resistance when I sit down at the computer to take those steps. My usual excitement about new work is warring with all the other feelings and emotions swirling and tumbling through my head.
But it's slowly getting better.
So, why do I photograph? I suppose that’s changed quite significantly for me since March 27th, when mom passed away peacefully, but I know there are plenty of reasons remaining… it will just be a little different. Instead of making photos to share with my mom, I’ll be making them to honor her memory - and to honor her wish that my sisters and I have the opportunity to travel and live our lives - while also reclaiming the inner peace photography has given me.
It will take some time for me to come to terms with that change.
What are your thoughts on this subject? If you're a photographer, why do you shoot? I'd love to hear from you in the comments section below.
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